Why did Kanigel stay on the sidelines as a child? What would have happened if he'd joined in?

Kanigel frequently sees himself as standing on the sidelines, particularly as he was growing up (watching his peers play together, being asked to play basketball, etc.). Why didn't he join in? What do you think would have happened if he had?

Are there times when you've stayed on the sidelines but wish you'd acted? Are there times you've acted in spite of being afraid to do so?

I identified with that to some degree. As an introvert and an only child, I didn't always know how to fit it - so sometimes I just didn't try - decided not to.

Again, I think adult intervention to kids who have such issues would be a great service to them.

While I tend to be more of an extrovert, I think it's sometimes safer to stay on the sidelines because we may not feel confident at first. I also think Kanigel's parents lack of interest in his interests contributed to him being a watcher rather than a participant. I think if his parents had been more interested, they might have pushed him to try. I really think his parents let him down.

I think the serious lack of confidence was a problem, but so was his inability to talk with parents about things that might interest him. I think it formed a sort of double whammy on him in addition to being introverted. And while I agree with janines that his parents let him down, it was by offering no encouragement. I experienced the same problem with my parents who loved me deeply but actively discouraged me from any interests beyond the church. Sometimes I was strong enough to go my own way, sometimes not.

As to what would happened, he would have succeeded in some endeavors and some now.

Some kids stay on the sidelines and watch and some kids jump right in. I think it is in their make up. Maybe if his parents were more involved in his interests he would be a jumper. But maybe not. He’s looking backwards with more info and knowledge than he had at the time. It’s easy to see things differently with time.

I think part of the reason for staying on the sidelines as a child was related to the type of experiences and activities that he was exposed to: literature, poetry, scrabble with his mom, playing a little bit of catch with his a dad, and riding a bike. Even his summer job involved working in an arsenal, in what seemed to be a mostly solitary role. I like to think that had he joined in actives as a child, that he would have developed more confidence in his abilities and felt less isolated.

As a child, I tended to stay on the sidelines, although my personality changed as I got older and I decided I needed to jump right in to feel included. The lack of security, may have stemmed from the fact that his parents didn't seem to interested in finding out what he was interested in himself.

Kanigel writes “I don’t remember my parents ever saying “Rob, you ought to get out more and see your friends”. Spending hours in my room, reading, I was not encouraged to go out and play. It was left to me to figure out how to fit in, or really, what it meant to fit in. (p40)” I see his parents creating an introvert and not giving him the social skills to know how to participate.

I think he was an introvert and maybe his parents were too. He seemed to lack confidence and didn’t want to call attention to himself.

I could relate to this part of Kanigel's personality to some extent. If he had joined in to average activities of the neighborhood he might not have excelled at school the way he did and had the different academic opportunities. One is not necessarily better than the other but his life might have been much different.

It seemed to me that he was an introverted child and from a home where academic success was valued more than social success. These two factors kept him on the sidelines. I do relate to that, having been an introverted and academically oriented child myself. However, my parents and those of my friends sent us off to ballroom dancing lessons, and the free swim and tennis lessons in town, maybe to help us blend in, though it seemed at the time just a way to get us out of the house (which, don't get me wrong, was a good thing; it's only as an adult that I realize there was also the parental motivation to help us blend in socially).

I related to being introverted enough that the energy needed to join groups or 'succeed' far outweighed my need to be quiet and return to a book, movie, hobby, etc.