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I called the project a book, but in fact it wasn't a book at
all. Working with yellow legal pads, loose sheets of paper, the backs of
envelopes and junk-mail form letters for credit cards and home-improvement
loans, I was compiling what amounted to a collection of random jottings, a
hodgepodge of unrelated anecdotes that I would throw into a cardboard box each
time another story was finished. There was little method to my madness. Some of
the pieces came to no more than a few lines, and a number of them, in particular
the spoonerisms and malapropisms I was so fond of, were just a single phrase.
Chilled greaseburger instead of grilled cheeseburger, for example, which came
out of my mouth sometime during my junior year of high school, or the
unintentionally profound, quasi-mystical utterance I delivered to Edith while we
were engaged in one of our bitter marital spats: I'll see it when I believe it.
Every time I sat down to write, I would begin by closing my eyes and letting my
thoughts wander in any direction they chose. By forcing myself to relax in this
way, I managed to dredge up considerable amounts of material from the distant
past, things that until then I had assumed were lost forever. A moment from the
sixth grade (to cite one such memory) when a boy in our class named Dudley
Franklin let out a long, trumpet-shrill fart during a silent pause in the middle
of a geography lesson. We all laughed, of course (nothing is funnier to a
roomful of eleven-year-olds than a gust of broken wind), but what set the
incident apart from the category of minor embarrassments and elevated it to
classic status, an enduring masterpiece in the annals of shame and humiliation,
was the fact that Dudley was innocent enough to commit the fatal blunder of
offering an apology. "Excuse me," he said, looking down at his desk and blushing
until his cheeks resembled a freshly painted fire truck. One must never own up
to a fart in public. That is the unwritten law, the single most stringent
protocol of American etiquette. Farts come from no one and nowhere; they are
anonymous emanations that belong to the group as a whole, and even when every
person in the room can point to the culprit, the only sane course of action is
denial. The witless Dudley Franklin was too honest to do that, however, and he
never lived it down. From that day on, he was known as Excuse-Me Franklin, and
the name stuck with him until the end of high school.
The stories seemed to fall under several different rubrics, and
after I had been at the project for approximately a month, I abandoned my
one-box system in favor of a multibox arrangement that allowed me to preserve my
finished works in a more coherent fashion. A box for verbal flubs, another for
physical mishaps, another for failed ideas, another for social gaffes, and so
on. Little by little, I grew particularly interested in recording the slapstick
moments of everyday life. Not just the countless stubbed toes and knocks on the
head I've been subjected to over the years, not just the frequency with which my
glasses have slipped out of my shirt pocket when I've bent down to tie my shoes
(followed by the further indignity of stumbling forward and crushing the glasses
underfoot), but the one-in-a-million howlers that have befallen me at various
times since my earliest boyhood. Opening my mouth to yawn at a Labor Day picnic
in 1952 and allowing a bee to fly in, which, in my sudden panic and disgust, I
accidentally swallowed instead of spitting out; or, even more unlikely,
preparing to enter a plane on a business trip just seven years ago with my
boarding-pass stub wedged lightly between my thumb and middle finger, being
jostled from behind, losing hold of the stub, and seeing it flutter out of my
hand toward the slit between the ramp and the threshold of the planethe
narrowest of narrow gaps, no more than a sixteenth of an inch, if that muchand
then, to my utter astonishment, watching it slide clear through that impossible
space and land on the tarmac twenty feet below.
From The Brooklyn Follies by Paul Auster. Copyright Paul Auster 2005. All rights reserved. Reproduced by permission of the publisher, Henry Holt.
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