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No girl
can live forever on blood-soaked heroism and fivecard
draw, and I still had to train for my relatively peaceful future.
I was at
the age when compassion and excess go hand in hand,
and I had cried so hard and long over Gone with the Wind (not its
casualty lists, but Rhett's exit) that my tears had alarmed my
mother, then annoyed her. Staggering from Herman Wouk's war
stories to the tamer domestic pastures of his Marjorie Morningstar,
I responded to the exotic constraints of Marjorie's Jewishness
by giving up bacon for a monthand, considering my
naive day trips into other people's religions, I probably gave it up
for Lent. The heroines who seized my heart belonged to the sophisticated
urban settings of Wouk's Youngblood Hawke and
Betty Smith's A Tree Grows in Brooklyn or Joy in the Morning;
if
precocious girls elsewhere, poised on the verge of puberty, were
reading Austen or the Brontës, I didn't know it and I doubt I
would have cared. I was enflamed by the purpler stories that captured
the young women of modern America, hoping that, like the
field manuals that had given me my father's war, they could teach
me how to grasp my lifehow to grab hold and ride it to victory.
At a time when television had only a tentative foothold as cultural
authority, such moral and practical guidance still belonged
to the word, be it secular or scriptural. We learned how to get
where we were going by the stories we heard, whether we found
them in the classroom, the sanctuary, or the closet with a flashlight.
So we listened to tales in the schoolyard about the fates
awaiting the craven and depraved, or we plotted our getaways by
memorizing the escape routes of Calico Kate or Pioneer Polly.
More
pious girls, no doubt, absorbed these life lessons from the
Good Book itself"How should we then live?" Ezekiel was
taught to askand yet the educational merits of Scripture eluded
me throughout my childhood. When my parents gave me an inscribed
Bible one Christmas, my heart sank with disappointment,
then guilt at my ingratitude.
This
religious drift was not for lack of access: As the product
of a long line of Calvinist preachers and congregants, I had inherited
their severity but not their devotion. My mother's hangover
from her Southern Baptist upbringing still made her frown
upon the idea of cards on Sunday, though none of us, especially
my dad, could take her disdain seriously. Instead of the terrifying
strictures of a fire-and-brimstone world, my own spiritual domicile
held a kind watercolor Jesus with pale blue eyesa beneficent
image I had met in the paintings that adorned the walls of
our Sunday-school classroom, where I doodled away the hour
and assumed I had a place in His tender flock. My parents had
abandoned their strict religious backgrounds when they married,
eventually joining a moderate Presbyterian congregation.
Each Sunday we were lulled into a nondenominational oblivion
by the church's soporific organ music, and it was here, in the
light-filled, stained-glass chapel of the Westminister Presbyterian
Church, that I discovered something far more commanding than
the gist of any sermon. Singing from the hymnal and reading
aloud from the liturgical responses, I fell in love with the meter of
Protestantism rather than its substance. I took to humming the
doxology"Praise / God / from / whom / all / blessings /
flow"around the house; I startled my mother by reciting, at
odd times and without warning, the Apostles' Creed. I was about
nine when these epiphanies struck, too young to be considered
pious, so she learned to ignore me. "He ascended into heaven," I
would solemnly intone, "and sitteth on the right hand of God the Father
Almighty, from whence He shall come to judge the quick and the dead."
Excerpted from A Strong West Wind by Gail Caldwell Copyright © 2006 by Gail Caldwell. Excerpted by permission of Random House, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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