Excerpt from A Man Named Dave by Dave Pelzer, plus links to reviews, author biography & more

"She'll what?" The nurse spins around. "Tell me, David, tell me so I have something, anything, to go on! I know it's her--we know it's her--but you've got to help us, to help you," she pleads.

In an effort to relieve the pain I stare up at the ceiling. I wring my hands and concentrate on inhaling tiny puffs of air through my nose.  From the corner of my eye I can see the nurse still standing by the door. I slowly turn my head toward her. Tears run down my cheeks. "I, ah . . . I can't."

"Why? In heaven's name, why do you protect her? What are you waiting for?" she barks in a rattling voice. "Something has to be done!"

The nurse's words pound through my skull. I bite down on my lip until it bleeds. My arms begin to shake. "Dammit!" I blurt out in a squeaky voice. "Don't you understand? There's nothing, nothing, that anyone can do! It's my fault! It's always my fault. `Boy' this, `It' that, blah, blah, blah. Every day is a repeat of the day before. Even you," I state with my finger thrust at the nurse, "every day I come in, take off my clothes, you look me over, you ask me about this, about that . . . for what? Nothing changes, and nothing ever will!" The band around my throat begins to tighten, but I don't care. I can no longer control my flood of emotions. "Miss Moss tried--"

"Miss Moss?" the nurse asks.

"My, ah, my second-grade teacher. She tried . . . she tried to help and she's gone. . . ."

"David?" the nurse says in a disbelieving tone.

I bury my face in my hands. "Father tried . . . and he's gone, too. You have to understand: everything I am, everything I do, is bad. Everything's wrong. If you get too close, she'll . . . she'll deal with you, too! No one wins!" I cry. "No one wins against The Mother!" I bend over in a coughing fit. Whatever energy I had drains away. I lean against the nurse's examination bed. I fight to slow down my breathing. "I, ah . . . when I sat at the bottom of the garage stairs and they'd watch TV or eat dinner, I tried to figure things out, to understand why." I shake my head clear of the countless hours spent in the garage. "You know the one thing I wanted the most?"

Her mouth hangs open. She's never seen me like this before. "No," she answers.

"I just wanted to be real. To be a real kid--with clothes and stuff. I don't mean just toys, but to be outside. I always wanted to play on the jungle gym after school. I'd really like to do that." For a moment I smile at my fantasy. "But I know I won't be able to. Never. I have to run to The House fast or I get into trouble. Sometimes, on really sunny days, as I'm running from school, I cheat and stop to watch the kids play."

My vision becomes blurred as I rattle off my deepest secrets to the nurse. Because I am not allowed to speak at Mother's house and have no friends at school, I have no one to express my feelings to. "Other times in the garage, at night, when I lay on my cot, I'd think hard to figure out what I could do. I mean, to fix things between Mother and me, to make things better. I wanted to know why, how, things became so bad. I really thought if I tried hard enough--if I prayed with all my spirit--I'd find my answers. They never came.

"I . . . I, ah, tri--tried," I stutter. I'm holding back my tears. "I spent so much time . . . I, ah, I just . . . I just wanted to know why. That's all. Why me, why us? I just wanted to know. Why?" I stare into the nurse's eyes. "I don't care anymore! I just want to go to sleep! I'm tired of everything! The games, the secrets, the lies, hoping one day Mother will wake up and everything will be better again! I can't take it anymore!

"If you could just let me sleep, for just a while, please?" I beg.

From A Man Named Dave : A Story of Triumph and Forgiveness, by David J. Pelzer, Dave Pelzer. © October 1999 , David J. Pelzer, Dave Pelzer used by permission of the publisher, E.P. Dutton.