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A Memoir
by William Fiennes
Women in beauty spots and creamy pompadour wigs
glide across the stone floor; Richard Chamberlain as Prince
Charming kneels to fit the twinkling slipper; a stuntman in
plumed tricorne hat and breeches leaps off the gatehouse
onto a crashpad of cardboard boxes and foam. The rooms
smell of dry ice and Elnett hairspray; extras dressed as
monks eat corn flakes at the Dining Room table; Oliver
Cromwell's warts are Rice Krispies painted brown and glued
to his cheek and nose; the moat's deemed too placid to pass
for the Thames so big pipes gush out of shot to ruffle the
surface as Henry VIII's royal barge steers into view. One
morning I found twenty human skeletons gathered on the
lawn, each hanging by the skull from a slender metal stand
so it appeared to be standing upright, the skeletons clustered
in small groups as if I'd come across them at a garden party.
Then actual men arrived and picked up the skeletons one
by one, carrying them under their arms into the Great Hall
like their own inner structures. These invasions brought the
allure of make-believe and fired a boy's delight in gadgets
and hardware, as if the camera tracks, cranes and trolleys,
the hydraulic platforms that slid up and down the backs
of prop vans, the walkie-talkies and grey-sleeved sound
booms were versions of Scalextric, Meccano and Action
Man equipment I'd yet to have the pleasure of. I climbed
onto the deep window ledges in the Great Hall and
crouched behind eighteenth-century leather fire buckets
to watch swordfights from Joseph Andrews and The Scarlet
Pimpernel, the actors in loose white shirts and gold-buckled
shoes surging back and forth like dancers across the bare
stone floor. They spent hours on the same sequence and
I learned all the moves of the routine, the feints, parries,
lunges, narrow escapes and exchanges of advantage, each
time willing the less-gifted swordsman to buck his fate
and fight back with a rage the choreographer had never
sanctioned.
Sometimes my attention drifted, the swordplay
a backdrop of percussive cutlass sounds until the blades
struck sparks off each other and I was gripped again.
Usually there were Civil War pikes, halberds and spontoons
in here; a black cast-iron doorstop shaped like an
elephant; huge logs heaped in the fireplace with bellows,
andirons and Victorian copper bedpans leaning on either
side; and a gamut of swords – Mameluke short swords,
Pappenheimer rapiers, plain and basket-hilt broadswords –
fixed to the bare stone walls.
In January 1938, the Trustees
of the Natural History Museum in London had directed the
keepers of departments to consider how to protect their
collections in the event of aerial attack. The keepers drew
up lists of specimens and documents to be evacuated in case
of war, and by the beginning of the bombing of London
in August 1940 the Great Hall had become a warehouse
for fifty-four green and white super-cabinets of mammals,
thirty-eight boxes of mollusca and six hundred and sixty-two
bundles of books and papers (arranged in pressmark
order, so they could be referred to if necessary) stacked one
on top of the other, among them the stuffed or mounted
skins of lion, snow leopard, spotted hyena, polar bear, wolf,
sea lion, bushpig, Weddell seal, wallaby and pygmy hog.
So I walked across the room imagining crates stacked to
the ceiling, animals coming alive at night and forcing the
lids. I learned to ride a bicycle in the Great Hall. My mother
wiped down the wheels on the carpet's behalf and I rode
circles round refectory tables and crimson plush sofas, off
the wool kerb onto smooth flagstones, while Mum used
WD40 to condition suits of armour and visored helmets
called burgonets, and rubbed beeswax polish into the oak
shoulders of blunderbusses and muskets displayed among
the swords.
For my parents those film-crew days were a mixed
blessing. The house needed the money but they watched
anxiously as strangers lugged sharp-cornered gear through
medieval doorways and leaned spiky lighting rigs against
Tudor panelling. Dad haunts the sets like the house's
guardian spirit, vigilant for carelessness. It's as if his nervous
system spreads through the whole building, so that a
slammed door or a pewter bowl set down too briskly hurts
him as keenly as a cut on the arm.
Excerpted from The Music Room by William Fiennes. Copyright 2009 by William Fiennes. With permission of the publisher, W.W. Norton & Company, Inc.
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