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The Inadvertent Education of a Reluctant Chef
by Gabrielle Hamilton
My brother Todd was with us but would have preferred being up
in his room, with the door closed - you always had to knock to
enter - counting his money, or losing himself in his few but in-goodworking-
condition acquisitions: his brand-new electric guitar, his
reel-to-reel tape recorder, his dual cassette deck, his electric amplifier,
and his brand-new soldering iron. With coils of solder and copper
paper clips, he fashioned quirky little uninspired sculptures of boats
and trains and skiers. Todd, the second oldest, lay in his sleeping bag
tuning us out, playing air-guitar Led Zeppelin while listening on his
headphones, which he bought himself with money earned busking in
town for the tourists. A loan of five dollars was never denied; it was
breezily granted but came with interest and was entered into Todd's
ledger. He hired me to give him leg massages after work with my
lucky rabbit fur, a half hour I found uniquely intimate and a responsibility
I took very seriously, and he paid me in dollar bills and mixed
tapes.
Simon, who was closest to me in age, was having a pretty bad preadolescent,
very high IQ, low attention span, pissed-at-everybody-and-everything summer vandalism spree. Every cop car he saw was an
opportunity for a five-pound bag of white sugar in its gas tank. Glass
panes in empty houses gamely blown out with rocks accurately
pitched. He was turned on by his badass-ness and was waiting sullenly
until we all fell asleep so he could sneak out of his sleeping bag and go
relieve his boredom by walking into town and leaving his mark on it
overnight.
My sister Melissa, the middle child, was only a teenager but already
responsible and professional enough to have a negative white
mark on her tanned arm from her wristwatch and a job as a lifeguard.
A wristwatch at fourteen! She had the incomprehensible ability to
open a whole scrumptious sugary package of chocolate-covered graham
cookies, put two of them on a paper towel, reseal the package
neatly for another day, and eat only those two crackers. Left to my
nine-year-old devices, I would be sick on the whole package within
ten minutes. Melissa would be the one in the kitchen with our
mother the next day, dutifully shelling lima beans and cutting butter
into flour and sugar while I was in the master bedroom rifling the
jacket pockets and handbags of all of our guests, helping myself to
twenty-dollar bills and quarters that I would later spend on Dr Pepper,
Italian meat hoagies with oil and vinegar and hot peppers, and individually
wrapped Tastykake iced fruit pies.
While we were all lying around the crackling and sparking pit,
wondering how late it was and how late we would stay up, Jeffrey invented
a little language and a nomenclature for our family. He started
with my dad, "The Bone." This was not his own invention. Some of
the carpenters at the scenery shop had started calling my dad "The
Bone" behind his back. Playing with words and language as they do,
schoolmates had changed Hamilton to Hambone ever since the
eighth grade. My father hated being called Hambone and worse,
being called Ham, as that is what his own father was called, by his own
mother, no less. But someone clever at the skating rink had just cut to
the chase and started calling him "The Bone." Have you seen "The
Bone?" Where's "The Bone?" You better make sure "The Bone" signed off on
that. "The Bone" is never gonna go for that.
From "Pa-Pa Boner," the lewdness and double-entendre of which
can still to this day put Jeffrey into a breathless laughing fit, it took
nothing to get us going, and soon we were dubbed from oldest to
youngest, J Jasper Bone, T-Bone, Bonette Major, Sly and the Family
Bone, and me, finally, Bonette Minor. Our battered Volvo station
wagon became the Bone Chariot. Something authentically, uniquely
my dad's - like the dimmer switches in our house never working, or
the house almost being auctioned off at the sheriff's sale because he
hadn't paid the property taxes in a year - was "bone-afide." Real, expensive
Champagne at Christmas in spite of the lien was "bone-issimo."
And parties - all of my dad's parties - became "bone-a-thons."
Excerpted from Blood, Bones & Butter by Gabrielle Hamilton. Copyright © 2011 by Gabrielle Hamilton. Excerpted by permission of Random House. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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