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There was a lengthy passageway that led to the kitchens.
I pushed at the double doors and entered the cook's domain
with as near as I could manage to a spring in the step. To fill
the kettle and bung it on the range was the work of an instant;
the problems began with an attempt to locate pot, tea leaves,
milk and so forth. I had never previously paused to think just
how many items go into the making of the morning cupful. I
opened a hopeful-looking cupboard to be confronted by a variety
of what may have been fish kettles.
I pushed off into the scullery, where I spied a bottle of milk
with a paper twist. A quick sniff established that it was not of
recent origin and I was beginning to feel that I was not cut out
for this sort of thing when I heard footsteps outside.
Fearing the cook, Mrs. Padgett, would not take kindly to an
intruder, I made as if to exit towards the dining room, but to
my surprise it was the housekeeper, Mrs. Tilman.
"Mr. Wilberforce! Goodness, you are the early bird!"
"Yes, what-ho! A lot of worms to catch, don't you know. I
was just looking for the tea leaves."
"Are you taking up tea for Lord Etringham? Isn't it a bit
early?"
"Seven o'clock was what he told me."
"I think seven thirty's quite soon enough. Why don't you
get on with some shoe-cleaning and let me make the tea in a
moment. Goodness me, you've put enough water in the kettle
for a regiment of soldiers. Off you go down to the butler's pantry.
You'll find polish in the cupboard. And you brought down
Lord Etringham's shoes last night, didn't you?"
"I did indeed. Two pairs of them."
I left the tea-making in the hands of this excellent woman
and got down to some spit and polish work on the black Oxfords
and the brown brogues, size eight, that I had scooped up
the night before. In my experience, the butler's pantry, in addition
to corkscrews, candles and other odd bits of chandlery,
often holds a bottle or two of the right stuff , but it was too
early in the morning even for a constitution as strong as mine.
The thought, however, bucked me up a little. I wouldn't say
that a song rose to the Wooster lips as I worked, but I went
about the buffing and shining with a certain gusto.
When I returned to the kitchen, I found that Mrs. Tilman
had laid a tray with all the fixings.
"Oh dear, look at you, Mr. Wilberforce. You didn't put on
your apron, did you? You've got polish on your shirt. Here. Let
me."
With a cloth, she removed most of a black smear from the
affected area; and, with the coat rebuttoned, she seemed to
think I was ready for action.
I turned to the waiting tray and attempted to raise it to a
carrying position.
"You're all fingers and thumbs, aren't you, dear? Nothing to
be nervous of. Come on now, this way."
So saying, the housekeeper waved me down the corridor
towards the green baize door, which was I obliged to open with
an undignified nudge from the rear end.
Things stayed on a fairly even keel as I crossed the main hall
to the oak staircase and began my ascent. There was a square
half-landing before a shorter flight to the first floor. My destination
was a corner room of dual aspect that overlooked the
rose garden and the deer park. Most of the tea was still in the
pot when I lowered the tray to the fl oor and knocked.
"Come in," said a familiar voice.
I've seen the insides of a few country house bedrooms in my
time, but I must say Lord Etringham had really landed seatfirst in the butter. I found him sitting up in bed in a burgundy
dressing-gown with a light paisley pattern that I recognised as
one of my own and reading a book whose title, if I remember
right, was The Critique of Pure Reason by one Immanuel Kant.
Excerpted from Jeeves and the Wedding Bells by Sebastian Faulks. Copyright © 2013 by Sebastian Faulks. Excerpted by permission of St. Martin's Press. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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