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A Novel
by Laura McBride
"I'm sorry. I know you thought I wasn't serious, but I was. I couldn't get here at four. I was hitting numbers at the craps table, and if I'd left, I would have caused a small riot. Please forgive me. You don't even have to go to the show with me. You can take a friend."
That's how he apologized. All straightforward and a bit flustered and as if he meant it, as if I were someone who deserved better from him.
I WAS WONDERING WHY THE gun was in the drawer. I was thinking that I would have to turn around. I was acutely aware of being naked. I didn't know which one of those problems to address first. Turning around. Being naked. Figuring out how the gun got in the drawer. And, of course, none of those were the real problem.
"I didn't mean to fall in love with her. It just happened. We've been spending a lot of time together at work. You've been so distant. I don't know. I didn't plan it."
He just kept talking. He seemed to think that I was listening. That he should talk. As if the fact that he didn't plan it could make it better. He said he was in love with her. Was that supposed to make me feel better? I wanted to get angryI wanted to grab at the lifeboat of angerbut instead, my mind kept repeatingcover your ass, where did the gun come from, always get the hell out first, did he say he was in loveas if I were on some whirling psychotropic trip.
I AM SEVEN YEARS OLD, and Sharlene and Rodney and I have been living in and out of Steve's brown Thunderbird for a year. We fill the tank with gas whenever my mom can pick someone's pocket or Steve can sell some dope, and then get back on the road, driving until we are almost out of gas, until Sharlene sees a place where we can camp without the cops catching us, where there is a park bathroom we can use if we are careful not to be seen. We have criss-crossed the country, even driven into Canada. That was a mistake, because the border patrol might have stopped us. But they didn't.
The craziest thing about that year in Steve's car is that there are thousands of dollars crammed under the front seats. Steve has stolen the money, stolen it from a casino, and we are on the lam because he is afraid of getting killed, because he knows the owner of the casino will have him killed the instant he knows where he is, and Steve has decided the bills are marked, that the casino ownersome guy Steve calls Big Sandyhas written down the numbers on the bills and has banks looking for them. So he is afraid to spend any of it, not one dollar of it. Even when we are hungry, even when Rodney cries and cries because his ear hurts, Steve does not give in; he does not spend any of that cash, any of those bills. They sometimes waft up when the car's windows are open, and Rodney and I try to catch them, and Steve slams on the brakes and swerves the car and screams at us that not one bill can fly out the window.
"AVIS, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO figure out how to tell you. I didn't mean for it to be like this. I didn't mean . . ."
His voice trailed off. He didn't mean for me to be stark naked and totally exposed when he told me? Then why had he told me?
Oh, yeah, things were about to get awkward.
Awkward if you were in love with your girlfriend.
I lifted my hand to put the bit of satin back in the drawer, and I touched my fingers to the cold, hard metal of the gun barrel. I had never liked guns. I was afraid of them. Afraid of the people who had them.
IT TAKES SHARLENE A LONG time, all of the year I might have been in second grade, but finally she has had enough. She waits until Steve is passed out stoned, and then she grabs huge fistfuls of the cash under the seats, and she grabs usI remember being grateful that she had grabbed us, that she had not left us with Steveand we walk to an all-night diner. We hitch a ride with a truck driver, and after Sharlene and the truck driver are done in the bed in the back of the cab, we get a real hotel room, and a shower. Sharlene stays in that shower until the water goes cold, and each time that the water warms up, she showers some more, and after a night and a day and a night of her showeringwith Rodney and me watching television sitting under the pebbled pink comforter, pretending it is a teepee, watching all through the day and the night, whatever shows come onafter that, on the second day, we take a bus, and we are back in Las Vegas.
Excerpted from We Are Called to Rise by Laura McBride. Copyright © 2014 by Laura McBride. Excerpted by permission of Simon & Schuster. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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