Excerpt from A Step Toward Falling by Cammie McGovern, plus links to reviews, author biography & more

I've been going to school so long it shouldn't scare me anymore but sometimes it does. Before the first day of school, Nan reminds me of the things I love about school, like my job in the main office, which is sorting paper for recycling and delivering mail. Nan also makes a list of all the teachers I love like Rhonda, Carla, and Ms. Culpepper. By then, I usually remember other things I love like the mandarin oranges from the cafeteria, the art display cases, and listening to band practice. Nan helps me remember those things better than Mom, who tries but sometimes forgets stuff.

Now everything is different. Now Nan is trying to help me forget. Instead of going to school, she lets me stay home every day and watch Pride and Prejudice. If Mom asks her when I'm going to go back to school, Nan says, "For God's sake, Lauren, let her be. At least we know she's safe here."

Usually Mom and Nan don't fight in front of me. Usually they don't fight much because Mom has limitations and depression. Mom does what she can to help me but I don't need much anymore so she doesn't do a lot. For instance, I used to make my own lunch and pack it in my zipper lunch bag. But that was back when I went to school and took a lunch. Now I don't go to school anymore so I don't pack my lunch either.

I watch the screen, where Jane is trying not to cry after Mr. Bingley leaves town without saying so much as a word. Just watching her try not to cry makes me start to cry. Even in Pride and Prejudice people are mean. They don't think about other people's feelings.

Usually I like imagining I am Elizabeth, but today I close my eyes and feel just like Jane, who thought she'd made a friend and turned out to be wrong.

Sometimes I do things that make other people have uncomfortable thoughts. If I talk too much about Colin Firth, for instance, it gives teachers uncomfortable thoughts. Once Rhonda, my speech therapist, told me her uncomfortable thought: "I'm bored with Colin Firth! I don't know him. He lives far away and I don't want to talk about him anymore!"

We both laughed even though I didn't think what she said was funny. I can't imagine being bored with Colin Firth. That's because I love him and sometimes when he looks out at me from inside the TV screen, I'm pretty sure he loves me, too.

I know I'm not supposed to say this out loud. Because then people will think many uncomfortable thoughts like I'm crazy. They'll say I've never met Mr. Firth and that means he can't love me. And I'd have to say what my mom told me: that love is a feeling. And you don't always kiss people you love. "Sometimes you just love them," she said. When I asked her, "Does that mean they love me, too?" she said, "Oh sure, Belinda. Everyone loves you."

I think she meant teachers at school mostly, but I think it could also mean Colin Firth. When he looks at me, I feel it. I just do. I know it in my heart.

Rhonda, my speech teacher, doesn't agree: "He's a character. He's not real. He's on TV but TV isn't real."

I'm not sure what to say to that. To me he's real. Doesn't that make him real?

I don't always watch Pride and Prejudice. Sometimes I watch different old movies. I like Gone with the Wind and The Sound of Music except I don't like it when Maria and the Captain kiss because he's too old and looks like her father. I like Liesl and Rolfe's song even though Rolfe turns out to be a Nazi which is a terrible thing to be. In my mind after- ward, I make him not a Nazi and I let them get married and live happily after.

Same with Scarlett from Gone with the Wind. In the beginning she loves Ashley who has a girl's name but is a man. Ashley is very nice but doesn't love her back. Then she meets Rhett who is dangerous and handsome and loves her right away. In my imagination, I make Ashley change his mind and decide to love Scarlett. Then she'll have someone she knows she can count on. She can't count on Rhett. He is exciting but not dependable. Sometimes exciting is exactly what you don't want in a boy.

Excerpted from the book A Step Towards Falling by Cammie McGovern. Copyright © 2015 by Cammie McGovern. Reprinted with permission of HarperCollins.