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Scott encouraged mehe was over the moon when I suggested it. He thinks spending time around babies will make me broody. In fact, it's doing exactly the opposite; when I leave their house I run home, can't wait to strip my clothes off and get into the shower and wash the baby smell off me.
I long for my days at the gallery, prettied up, hair done, talking to adults about art or films or nothing at all. Nothing at all would be a step up from my conversations with Anna. God, she's dull! You get the feeling that she probably had something to say for herself once upon a time, but now everything is about the child: Is she warm enough? Is she too warm? How much milk did she take? And she's always there, so most of the time I feel like a spare part. My job is to watch the child while Anna rests, to give her a break. A break from what, exactly? She's weirdly nervous, too. I'm constantly aware of her, hovering, twitching. She flinches every time a train passes, jumps when the phone rings. "They're just so fragile, aren't they?" she says, and I can't disagree with that.
I leave the house and walk, leaden-legged, the fifty yards along Blenheim Road to their house. No skip in my step. Today, she doesn't open the door, it's him, the husband. Tom, suited and booted, off to work. He looks handsome in his suitnot Scott handsome, he's smaller and paler, and his eyes are a little too close together when you see him up close, but he's not bad. He flashes me his wide, Tom Cruise smile, and then he's gone, and it's just me and her and the baby.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 16, 2012
AFTERNOON
I quit!
I feel so much better, as if anything is possible. I'm free!
I'm sitting on the terrace, waiting for the rain. The sky is black above me, swallows looping and diving, the air thick with moisture. Scott will be home in an hour or so, and I'll have to tell him. He'll only be pissed off for a minute or two, I'll make it up to him. And I won't just be sitting around the house all day: I've been making plans. I could do a photography course, or set up a market stall, sell jewellery. I could learn to cook.
I had a teacher at school who told me once that I was a mistress of self-reinvention. I didn't know what he was on about at the time, I thought he was putting me on, but I've since come to like the idea. Runaway, lover, wife, waitress, gallery manager, nanny, and a few more in between. So who do I want to be tomorrow?
I didn't really mean to quit, the words just came out. We were sitting there, around the kitchen table, Anna with the baby on her lap, and Tom had popped back to pick something up, so he was there, too, drinking a cup of coffee, and it just seemed ridiculous, there was absolutely no point in my being there. Worse than that, I felt uncomfortable, as if I was intruding.
"I've found another job," I said, without really thinking about it. "So I'm not going to be able to do this any longer." Anna gave me a lookI don't think she believed me. She just said, "Oh, that's a shame," and I could tell she didn't mean it. She looked relieved. She didn't even ask me what the job was, which was a relief, because I hadn't thought up a convincing lie.
Tom looked mildly surprised. He said, "We'll miss you," but that's a lie, too.
The only person who'll really be disappointed is Scott, so I have to think of something to tell him. Maybe I'll tell him Tom was hitting on me. That'll put an end to it.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, 2012
MORNING
It's just after seven, it's chilly out here now, but it's so beautiful like this, all these strips of garden side by side, green and cold and waiting for fingers of sunshine to creep up from the tracks and make them all come alive. I've been up for hours; I can't sleep. I haven't slept in days. I hate this, hate insomnia more than anything, just lying there, brain going round, tick, tick, tick, tick. I itch all over. I want to shave my head.
Excerpted from The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins. Copyright © 1905 by Paula Hawkins. Excerpted by permission of Riverhead Books. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things.
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