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"I have to go now, Nana."
"Don't cry, my little baby. Everything okay. You see."
The call ends. I lie there for I don't know how long, my
hand on the telephone, as if I'm afraid to let go of the voice that
flowed through it. It is possible, I realize, to have people in your
life who love you and who you love, and to still want to kill
yourself. It's almost as if part of the reason you're doing it is for
them, because you are not worthy of their love, and you want
to stop being a burden to them, contaminating their lives with
your moodiness and grumpiness and miserableness. I feel
Juanita's love now. I even feel Galileo's love. And it makes me
feel so much worse.
There's a gentle touch on my shoulder, and I let go of the
phone and look up to see Dr. Desai.
"My cat," I say.
She sits down in the chair, her hands folded.
"He meowed outside Juanita's room and took her to
my room."
Dr. Desai doesn't look one bit surprised, as if in her experience, saving lives is standard cat behavior.
"I'm glad your cat
saved you," she says.
"Are you?"
"No."
The word rises up on its own, a lone air bubble from
some drowning breath. It surprises me to see it there, floating
on the surface between Dr. Desai and me.
She nods as if she appreciates the honest answer. "Vicky,
I'm going to recommend that you stay here for a couple of
weeks, if it's okay with you. I think it would be helpful for you
to be in a different environment for a while. You can come to
our daily group therapy meeting. There are three other young
people currently attending, and it would be good for you to be
with others
...
like yourself, in many ways. You and I would
also meet regularly, and a few hours of your day would be spent
helping around the hospital. I believe this combination of talking, listening, doing something useful, and being around other
young people who are learning to live will give you some tools
you can use when you return to your previous circumstances."
"Tools?" I imagine a hammer and a chisel, my life inside a
boulder I need to crack.
"A greater understanding of who you are and what you
need to do to be at peace with your life." She pauses. "At
the very least, a time for the thoughts of killing yourself to
quiet down."
I look up at her quickly.
Excerpted from The Memory of Light by Francisco X Stork. Copyright © 2016 by Francisco X Stork. Excerpted by permission of Arthur A. Levine Books. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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