Excerpt from Honky Tonk Samurai by Joe R. Lansdale, plus links to reviews, author biography & more

Even Leonard, who normally looked firm and ready for action all the time, had changed his eating and workout habits a little, because for the first time in a long time fat had crept in around his middle. He claimed it was protecting his gooey chocolate center. But since he was black as rich chocolate all over, I told him that seemed kind of redundant. And on top of that I didn't want to know about his gooey chocolate center.

There we sat, me reflecting on these things and holding in a wheat-bread fart out of courtesy, when Leonard said, "What the hell?"

He was looking at a yard across the street from our car. A man had a dog on a leash and the dog was cowered on its belly and the man was kicking it, and I could hear him screaming at it. The dog yelped a couple of times after the kicks.

Leonard was already out of the car by this time and crossing the street.

I got out and went around and followed, heard Leonard yell, "Hey, motherfucker, how about you try kicking me?"

The man stopped his dog abuse and looked up.

I let the fart ease out. I did it quietly, not wanting to frighten the dog. I left the fart where I had laid it like a rotten egg and moved away from the smell.

"Who the hell are you?" the man said to Leonard.

"I'm the man fixing to put that leash on your neck and kick you all over this goddamn yard like a soccer ball."

"You're trespassing," the man said.

"That's just where I start," Leonard said. "How about I put one of your goddamn eyes out?"

Appeared like a start to a fairly ordinary day for us.

I stayed at the curb while Leonard stood in the yard talking. I was waiting patiently, ready to stop Leonard from the death blow, which I was fairly certain might be coming.

"Take two of you to do it?" said the man, checking us both out. He was a pretty big guy, about Leonard's height, wider than both of us, bigger belly than us put together. He had the air of someone who had once run with a football and thought that gave him an edge for life. Maybe he should get with his neighbor who went to the gym, get some diet and exercise tips. Still, he was big enough to cause problems, even if it was just falling on you.

"No," Leonard said. "Just one of us."

I said, "And you can choose which one. Just for the record, I can hit harder. But I was thinking I'd rather not get all worked up. The heat, you know."

"He can't hit harder," Leonard said. "Faster, but I actually hit a little harder."

"He's a braggart," I said. "We both know I can hit harder, and I'm faster, too."

"You don't neither one of you look so tough to me," he said.

"Why don't you show us how tough you are?" Leonard said. "You do pretty good with a defenseless dog wants to please you, but we don't want to please you. Right, Hap?"

"Right," I said.

"Tell him again."

"Right. Not in the pleasing mood."

"Tell you what, ass wipe," Leonard said. "Give me the dog, let me take it with me, and we'll call it a day, and you get to keep your face like it is. With a nose on it and everything. Without me punching a fucking hole in it."

The guy laughed. "You are nuts. Both of you."

"That's what I'm trying to warn you about," Leonard said. "But I don't think you're listening."

By this point I could tell the man was starting to worry a little. That was a good idea. Leonard might truly be nuts. Some people didn't even think it was open to discussion.

"You want him, or should I go on and beat the shit out of him?" Leonard said to me.

"I'll just be here to stop you should you go too far."

"Hey, now," the man said. "You're in my yard. I'll call the cops."

"I don't think you'll make it to the door," Leonard said. "Got a cell phone in your pocket, you won't have time to punch in the numbers. I promise you that. And if you call afterward, it ain't going to help you none. The deed will be done. And they might have a hard time understanding you, as you might be missing some teeth, trying to talk with your nose gone. They might have to read your fucking lips you still got any. Now apologize to the dog and give the poor thing to me."

Excerpted from Honky Tonk Samurai by Joe R Lansdale. Copyright © 2016 by Joe R Lansdale. Excerpted by permission of Mulholland. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.