Sign up for our newsletters to receive our Best of 2024 ezine!

Excerpt from My Dark Vanessa by Kate Russell, plus links to reviews, author biography & more

Summary |  Excerpt |  Reviews |  Beyond the Book |  Readalikes |  Genres & Themes |  Author Bio

My Dark Vanessa by Kate Russell

My Dark Vanessa

A Novel

by Kate Russell
  • BookBrowse Review:
  • Critics' Consensus (8):
  • Readers' Rating (5):
  • First Published:
  • Mar 10, 2020, 384 pages
  • Paperback:
  • Feb 2021, 384 pages
  • Rate this book

About this Book

Print Excerpt


I turn onto my stomach and shove a pillow between my legs. I tell him to give me a memory, something I can slip into. He's quiet as he flips through the scenes.

"In the office behind the classroom," he says. "It was the dead of winter. You, laid out on the sofa, your skin all goose bumps."

I close my eyes and I'm in the office—white walls and gleaming wood floors, the table with a pile of ungraded papers, a scratchy couch, a hissing radiator, and a single window, octagonal with glass the color of seafoam. I'd fix my eyes on it while he worked at me, feeling underwater, my body weightless and rolling, not caring which way was up.

"I was kissing you, going down on you. Making you boil." He lets out a soft laugh. "That's what you used to call it. 'Make me boil.' Those funny phrases you'd come up with. You were so bashful, hated talking about any of it, just wanted me to get on with it. Do you remember?"

I don't remember, not exactly. So many of my memories from back then are shadowy, incomplete. I need him to fill in the gaps, though sometimes the girl he describes sounds like a stranger.

"It was hard for you to keep quiet," he says. "You used to bite your mouth shut. I remember once you bit down on your bottom lip so hard, you started to bleed, but you wouldn't let me stop."

I press my face into the mattress, grind myself against the pillow as his words flood my brain and transport me out of my bed and into the past where I'm fifteen and naked from the waist down, sprawled on the couch in his office, shivering, burning, as he kneels between my legs, his eyes on my face.

My god, Vanessa, your lip, he says. You're bleeding.

I shake my head and dig my fingers into the cushions. It's fine, keep going. Just get it over with.

"You were so insatiable," Strane says. "That firm little body."

I breathe hard through my nose as I come, as he asks me if I remember how it felt. Yes, yes, yes. I remember that. The feelings are what I've been able to hold on to—the things he did to me, how he always made my body writhe and beg for more.


I've been seeing Ruby for eight months, ever since my dad died. At first it was grief therapy, but it's turned into talking about my mom, my ex-boyfriend, how stuck I feel in my job, how stuck I feel about everything. It's an indulgence, even with Ruby's sliding scale—fifty bucks a week just to get someone to listen to me.

Her office is a couple blocks from the hotel, a softly lit room with two armchairs, a sofa, and end tables holding boxes of tissues. The windows look out at Casco Bay: gulls swarming above the fishing piers, slow-moving oil tankers, and amphibious duck tours that quack as they ease into the water and transform from bus to boat. Ruby is older than me, big-sister older rather than mom older, with dishwater blond hair and granola clothes. I love her wooden-heeled clogs, the clack-clack-clack they make as she walks across her office.

"Vanessa!"

I love, too, the way she says my name as she opens the door, like she's relieved to see me standing there and not anyone else.

That week we talk about the prospect of me going home for the upcoming holidays, the first without Dad. I'm worried my mother is depressed and don't know how to broach the subject. Together, Ruby and I come up with a plan. We go through scenarios, the likely ways Mom will respond if I suggest she might need help.

"As long as you approach it with empathy," Ruby says, "I think you'll be ok. You two are close. You can handle talking about hard stuff."

Close with my mother? I don't argue but don't agree. Sometimes I marvel at how easily I deceive people, doing it without even trying.

I manage to hold off checking the Facebook post until the end of the session, when Ruby takes out her phone to enter our next appointment into her calendar. Glancing up, she catches my furious scroll and asks if there's any breaking news.

Excerpted from My Dark Vanessa by Karen Russell. Copyright © 2020 by Karen Russell. Excerpted by permission of William Morrow. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

Membership Advantages
  • Reviews
  • "Beyond the Book" articles
  • Free books to read and review (US only)
  • Find books by time period, setting & theme
  • Read-alike suggestions by book and author
  • Book club discussions
  • and much more!
  • Just $45 for 12 months or $15 for 3 months.
  • More about membership!

Beyond the Book:
  Pale Fire by Vladimir Nabokov

Top Picks

  • Book Jacket: Small Rain
    Small Rain
    by Garth Greenwell
    At the beginning of Garth Greenwell's novel Small Rain, the protagonist, an unnamed poet in his ...
  • Book Jacket: Daughters of Shandong
    Daughters of Shandong
    by Eve J. Chung
    Daughters of Shandong is the debut novel of Eve J. Chung, a human rights lawyer living in New York. ...
  • Book Jacket: The Women
    The Women
    by Kristin Hannah
    Kristin Hannah's latest historical epic, The Women, is a story of how a war shaped a generation ...
  • Book Jacket: The Wide Wide Sea
    The Wide Wide Sea
    by Hampton Sides
    By 1775, 48-year-old Captain James Cook had completed two highly successful voyages of discovery and...

BookBrowse Book Club

Book Jacket
In Our Midst
by Nancy Jensen
In Our Midst follows a German immigrant family’s fight for freedom after their internment post–Pearl Harbor.
Who Said...

Everywhere I go, I am asked if I think the university stifles writers...

Click Here to find out who said this, as well as discovering other famous literary quotes!

Wordplay

Big Holiday Wordplay 2024

Enter Now

Your guide toexceptional          books

BookBrowse seeks out and recommends the best in contemporary fiction and nonfiction—books that not only engage and entertain but also deepen our understanding of ourselves and the world around us.