Excerpt from Martyr! by Kaveh Akbar, plus links to reviews, author biography & more

"What?" asked Cyrus.

Nothing.

"What? " Cyrus asked again, more pointedly.

Zee made a little face, then said, "It just doesn't seem healthy, Cyrus."

"What doesn't?" Cyrus asked.

Zee made the face again.

"The hospital gig?"

Zee nodded, then said: "I mean, your brain doesn't know the difference between acting and living. After all the shit you've been through? It can't be like ... good for you. In your brain stem."

"Twenty dollars an hour is pretty good for me," Cyrus said, grinning, "in my brain stem. "

That money felt like a lot. Cyrus thought about how, when he'd been drinking, he'd sell his plasma for that much, twenty dollars a trip, his dehydrated hangover blood taking hours to sludge out like milkshake through a thin straw. Cyrus would watch people arrive, get hooked up, and leave the facility in the time it took him to give a single draw.

"And I'm sure eventually it'll be good for my writing too," Cyrus added. "What's that thing about living the poems I'm not writing yet?"

Cyrus was a good poet when he wrote, but he rarely actually wrote. Before getting sober, Cyrus didn't write so much as he drank about writing, describing booze as essential to his process, "nearly sacramental"—he really said it like that—in the way it "opened his mind to the hidden voice" beneath the mundane "argle-bargle of the every-day." Of course, when he drank, he rarely did anything else but drink. "First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you!" Cyrus would announce proudly to a room, to a bar, forgetting from whom he'd lifted the line.

In sobriety, he endured long periods of writer's block, or more accurately, writer's ambivalence. Writer's antipathy. What made it almost worse was how much Zee encouraged Cyrus whenever he did write something; Zee'd fawn over his roommate's new drafts, praising every line break and slant rhyme, stopping just short of hanging them up on the apartment refrigerator.

"'Living the poems you're not writing?'" Zee scoffed. "C'mon, you're better than that."

"I'm really not," Cyrus said, sharply, before stepping out the apartment door.

* * *

When Cyrus pulled into the hospital parking lot, he was still pissed off. Everything didn't have to be as complex as Zee constantly made it, Cyrus thought. Sometimes, life was just what happened. What accumulated. That was one of the vague axioms from his drinking days to which Cyrus still clung, even in sobriety. It wasn't fair that just because he was sober, everyone expected him to exhaustively interrogate his every decision. This job or that job, this life or that. Not drinking was Herculean enough on its own. He should've been afforded more grace, not less. The long scar on his left foot—from an accident years before—pounded with pain.

Cyrus signed into the hospital and walked through the halls, past two nursing mothers sitting side by side in a waiting room, past a line of empty gurneys with messy bedding, and into the elevator. When he got to the fourth-floor office, the receptionist had him sign in again and gave him his card for the afternoon. Sandra Kaufmann. High school math teacher. Educated, no children. Widowed. Six on the pain scale. Cyrus sat in the waiting room, glancing at the camera, the "Understanding Skin Cancer" chart on the wall with gruesome pictures of Atypical Moles, Precancerous Growths. The ABCs of melanoma: Asymmetry, Borders, Color Change, Diameter, and Evolution. Cyrus imagined Sandra's hair crimson red, the color of the "Diameter" mole on the poster.

After a minute, a young medical student walked into the room alone, looked at Cyrus, then at the camera. She was a little younger than him, wore her auburn hair behind her head in a neat bun. Her impeccable posture gave her a boarding-school air, New England royalty. Cyrus reflexively hated her. That Yankee patrician veneer. He imagined she got perfect SATs, went to an Ivy League school, only to be disappointed by Keady as her medical school placement instead of Yale or Columbia. He imagined her having joyless, clinical sex with the chiseled son of her father's business partner, imagined them at a fancy candlelit restaurant dourly picking at a shared veal piccata, both ignoring the table bread. Unaccountable contempt covered him, pitiless. Cyrus hated how noisily she opened the door, sullying the stillness he'd been enjoying. She looked at the camera again, then introduced herself:

Excerpted from Martyr! by Kaveh Akbar. Copyright © 2024 by Kaveh Akbar. Excerpted by permission of Knopf. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.