Excerpt from Martyr! by Kaveh Akbar, plus links to reviews, author biography & more

"Hello, Miss Kaufmann. My name is Dr. Monfort."

"Mrs. Kaufmann," Cyrus corrected.

The medical student glanced quickly at the camera.

"Erm, excuse me?"

"Mr. Kaufmann may be dead, but I am still his wife," said Cyrus, pointing to a pretend wedding ring on his left hand.

"I, I'm sorry, ma'am. I was just—"

"It's no problem, dear."

Dr. Monfort set down her clipboard and leaned her hand against the sink she'd been standing near, as if resetting. Then, she spoke: "Mrs. Kaufmann, I'm afraid the scans have revealed a large mass in your brain. Several large masses, clumped together. Unfortunately, they're attached to sensitive tissue controlling breathing and cardiopulmonary function, and we can't safely operate without risking severe damage to those systems. Chemotherapy and radiation may be options, but due to the location and maturation of the masses, these treatments would likely be palliative. Our oncologist will be able to tell you more."

"Palliative?" Cyrus asked. The students were supposed to avoid jargon and euphemism. Not "going to a better place." Saying the word "dying" as often as possible was recommended, as it eliminated confusion, helped hasten the patient through denial.

"Uhm, yes. For pain relief. To make you comfortable while you get your affairs in order."

Get your affairs in order. She was doing terribly. Cyrus hated her.

"I'm sorry, Doctor—what was it? Milton? Are you telling me I'm dying?" Cyrus half-smiled as he said the one word she'd yet to speak out loud. She winced, and Cyrus relished her wincing.

"Ah, yes, Miss Kaufmann, ah, I'm so sorry." Her voice sounded the way wild rabbits look, just on the cusp of tearing off out of sight.

"Mrs. Kaufmann."

"Oh right, of course, I'm so sorry." She checked her clipboard. "It's just, my paper here says 'Miss Kaufmann.'"

"Doctor, are you trying to tell me I don't know my own name?"

The medical student glanced desperately back at the camera.

* * *

A year and a half ago in early recovery, Cyrus told his AA sponsor Gabe that he believed himself to be a fundamentally bad person. Selfish, self-seeking. Cruel, even. A drunk horse thief who stops drinking is just a sober horse thief, Cyrus'd said, feeling proud to have thought it. He'd use versions of that line later in two different poems.

"But you're not a bad person trying to get good. You're a sick person trying to get well," Gabe responded.

Cyrus sat with the thought.

Gabe went on, "There's no difference to the outside world between a good guy and a bad guy behaving like a good guy. In fact, I think God loves that second guy a little more."

"Good-person drag," Cyrus thought out loud. That's what they called it after that.

* * *

"Of course not, Mrs. Kaufmann, I'm absolutely not trying to argue," the medical student stammered. "The paper must have misprinted your name. I'm so sorry. Is there anyone you'd like us to call?"

"Who would I have you call?" Cyrus asked. "My principal? I'm all alone."

Dr. Monfort looked clammy. The red light on the camera was blinking on and off, like a firefly mocking their proceedings.

"We have some great counselors here at Keady," she said. "Nationally ranked—"

"Have you ever had a patient who wanted to die?" Cyrus interrupted.

The medical student stared at him, saying nothing, pure disdain radiating from her person, barely bridled fury. Cyrus thought she might actually hit him.

"Or maybe not wanted to die," Cyrus continued, "but who just wanted their suffering to end?"

"Well, like I said, we offer a wide range of palliative options," she hissed, staring at Cyrus, Cyrus-Cyrus, beneath Mrs. Kaufmann, willing him toward compliance.

He ignored her.

"The last time I thought I wanted to die, I got a fifth of Everclear, ninety-five percent alcohol, and sat in my bathtub drinking it from the bottle, pouring out a bit on my head. One pull for me, one for my hair. The aim was to finish the bottle that way and then light myself on fire. Theatrical, no?"

Excerpted from Martyr! by Kaveh Akbar. Copyright © 2024 by Kaveh Akbar. Excerpted by permission of Knopf. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.