Adoption Outcomes for Birth Mothers: Background information when reading Daughter in Exile

Adoption Outcomes for Birth Mothers

This article relates to Daughter in Exile

Lola, the likeable and resilient protagonist in Bisi Adjapon's Daughter in Exile, finds herself in multiple difficult situations over a matter of years. At one point, pregnant without a partner after her husband dies, she is left to manage a toddler, her grief and an unborn daughter.

An active member of a parish community, Lola looks to her church to give her the strength to continue. It is there that she is slipped tapes of the American evangelical psychologist Dr. James Dobson arguing that it is better for children to be raised by two parents. Fellow parishioners send Lola messages urging her to not be selfish and give her child a "good home." Guilt coupled with self-loathing gives her the motivation to agree to adoption, and the church finds a childless couple interested in adopting baby Kemi, Tilly and Pierce Livingston. Lola is adamant that the adoption be an open one. She wants updates, photographs and communication. But after she relinquishes her baby she frets: "I kept jerking awake because I thought I could hear Kemi crying for me. In the morning, I woke up with a start. Something was terribly wrong…Fresh tears started."

Lola's devastation is a normal response. While the adoption process often focuses more on the emotional needs of the child and adoptive parents, birth mothers frequently experience a range of emotions that play into how satisfied or dissatisfied they are with their decision. They may feel guilty after they give up their baby for adoption, as if they are "giving up" on their child. Depression weighs heavily on many who, like Lola, deal with an immense sense of loss. Lola additionally feels betrayed, believing the Livingstons manipulated her, extending compassion only because they wanted her baby and not because they cared about her. She begins to regret her decision, which is common for birth mothers in the early days of the adoption process.

Researchers at the University of Baylor have discovered that age is one important factor in how satisfied birth mothers are with their choice to relinquish their babies to adoption. The older mothers are, the less satisfied they tend to be with their decision.

In open adoptions, contact with the adoptive family can reduce a birth mother's worry that the child is being mistreated or abandoned. This particular factor is one of the key points in Lola's maladjustment to the process. The Livingstons aren't communicating with her and her anxiety is paralyzing.

Also relevant is the birth mother's employment at the time the baby is given up for adoption. Soon after she gives Kemi to the Livingstons, Lola loses her job and spends long days immersing herself in scripture. The researchers at Baylor found that birth mothers who work full-time are more likely to be satisfied with their decision, possibly because they experience greater personal fulfillment.

In the United States, laws vary in terms of how long a birth mother has to make the choice to reverse the adoption process. Many agencies cite their birth mother revocation rate as relatively low, at around 5% or less. However, just because birth mothers don't change their minds about adoption, or aren't able to do so legally, doesn't necessarily mean they are satisfied with their situation. They may suffer like Lola or cope in ways she doesn't. They may access help from family and friends. Support groups with other birth mothers can ease the burden and feeling of aloneness. Or, like Lola, mothers who give their babies to adoptive families may lean on their faith to feel more confident, trusting in God that their decision was the right one. Despite the research that has been devoted to it, adoption satisfaction is difficult to predict and involves many complex parts.

Filed under Society and Politics

This "beyond the book article" relates to Daughter in Exile. It originally ran in March 2023 and has been updated for the January 2024 paperback edition. Go to magazine.