Book Club Discussion Questions for A Well-Trained Wife by Tia Levings

PART 1: GROOM

1. Discuss the idealized conservative, traditional views of wife/motherhood that Tia was taught growing up in a Southern Baptist megachurch. Why did she choose to follow these teachings as a young adult?
2. Weaving through Part 1 is the story of adult caretakers and mentors whose decisions created the environment that corralled Tia into the fundamentalist view of life and marriage that shaped her early life, marriage, and motherhood. Discuss the choices these people made and what they could have done differently to better prepare Tia for adulthood.
3. The brand of Christian conservatism described by Tia as part of the church teachings of her youth has been romanticized by media, entertainment, and social media and is even embraced by many conservatives in government. Discuss how the saturation of these ideals is impacting current politics and society in modern America. What does a future country look like if these ideals become mainstream?

PART 2: A WIFE

1. The brutality of Tia's wedding night sets the tone for the reader to understand the violence of Christian patriarchy. For women readers of this book, describe the emotional response you had when reading the account of her wedding night. For male readers, describe your response from your perspective.
2. As part of the fundamentalist "quiverful" movement, Tia abided by a long list of restrictive expectations and norms, including obeying modesty guidelines (no "eye-traps" like v-necks, tapered waists, and jeans), eagerly submitting to her head of household, homeschooling her children, and prioritizing the study of scripture over academics. Wives were to stay home, avoid birth control, live simply, and raise a new army for God. Share which of these rules surprised and/or shocked you the most. How would your early adulthood been different if you had to live by these expectations?
3. The story of Clara is a pivotal moment in Tia's life. Discuss how the tragic loss of her daughter changed Tia moving forward. How did it change Allen? Discuss how such a loss would impact you if you experienced something similar in your life.

PART 3: IN THE WAY

1. Calvinistic teachings embrace the idea of TULIP in which all of humanity is born depraved and separated from God. Jesus died for a selected group of humanity who have no choice but to accept God's grace and become saved. All others have no free will but are damned to spend eternity in hell. Why is this such a brutal view of the divine? What impact does this type of thinking have on an individual growing up with such beliefs?
2. When her husband suggested disciplining her through spanking, Tia was counseled by church leadership to honor her husband more, do what he asked, and less of what he didn't. "You need to ask yourself what you are doing that's driven your husband to this point, and you need to submit to him," they said. When her husband showed signs of mental illness, Tia was forbidden by her faith to seek the help of doctors. Discuss how this patriarchal concept is evident in the impact of evangelical culture on society, politics, and government.
3. Tia says the "tradwife" content taking social media by storm (eg @ballerinafarm and her 8.8M followers, Katie Britt's post-SOTU GOP "baby voice" response) is just a new incarnation of the media and books that brought her into the "trad" life in the mid-90s. At the churches and conferences she attended, magazines, catalogs, and homemade pamphlets circulated to help women envision a purer, set-apart existence, and highlighted the dangers of vaccinations and pediatricians, the value of canning to build an end-of-days pantry, and how to mail-order birth kits and herbal remedies. Why is this attractive to so many people, even to some non-evangelicals? What is the danger of embracing even the "wholesome" aspects of "tradwife" culture?

PART 4: SHE SHOULD GO?

1. Tia and Allen's excommunication from the Covenant Reformed church cited doctrinal disagreements regarding the nature of salvation, particularly its view that Orthodoxy taught salvation through grace + works and not through grace alone. How does the "grace alone" theology enable high control religion to assert its authority in the life of a believer in ways that "grace + works" does not?
2. Given the history of religious abuse that both Allen and Tia experienced through the first years of their marriage, what was it about Orthodox Christianity that seemed to be the logical next step for the evolution of their faith? What aspects of this new religion had a positive impact on their marriage? What aspects created more harm?
3. Tia describes several traumatic events (death of pets, grappling over the marriage of a gay friend, Allen's neurotic jealousy, sudden illness) in the months leading up to her eventual escape. Discuss how these events were the catalyst for the courage she found to make her eventual escape from Allen.

PART 5: AND WHEN SHE IS FREE

1. Tia briefly describes the reaction of her children to the events during and after their great escape. Putting yourself in the mind of children aged from kindergarten to young teen, discuss how you imagine they would have experienced this period in their lives. How would you expect the impact to affect their feelings about their mother, Tia as well as their father, Allen?
2. Part 5 completes a certain character arc for Tia's parents and family. Discuss the evolution of her relationship with them from the time they left Michigan for Florida when she was a young girl to the days and weeks after she escaped from Allen.
3. Tia mentions on page 242 about understanding the difference between religion and the divine. What did she mean by this statement? What are your thoughts regarding this difference?

PART 6: SHE WILL DEPART FROM IT

1. In Part 6, Tia discusses the beginnings of her work in receiving trauma therapy. Reflecting on your own life experiences, what is a traumatic event that impacted your life and health years after the experience was over? What did you do/are doing now to process and heal from that event?
2. In Part 6, Tia discusses her attempts to reconnect with people from her past via Facebook. Pick one of the people she was interested in finding (Hannah, Jo, April, Charity, Marci, Judith Small, Anna Tinker, or Ruth Ellen) and imagine how a first "reconnecting" conversation might go between Tia and that person. Who do you think Tia should have tried to restore and rebuild a relationship with? Who do you think she should have avoided?
3. Consider your own nature when faced with a threatening situation (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn). Which is your most automatic response? Which is your least likely response? Discuss a time when your response served you well. Discuss a time when it did not and how you would have chosen a different response if you could go back in time.

GENERAL

1. A Well-Trained Wife is a powerful story of courage. What inspired you to want to read this book in the first place? What parts of the story impacted you the most? How has reading this book impacted your views on Christian fundamentalism? The portrayal of "tradwife" and other "traditional" lifestyles in the media and culture? The impact of these beliefs on political ideology?
2. One of Tia's goals for sharing her story is to warn Americans of the insidiousness of Christian Fundamentalism as it pertains to impacting politics and culture. Tia believes the way Christian patriarchs run their homes is how they want to run this country. "That means women will lose the rights they fought for in the previous century—rights to healthcare, employment, education, voting, and equality. Men who are a part of this Patriarchy already pepper our government, from Speaker Mike Johnson to the MAGA GOP, and these beliefs have swept through American Evangelicalism. They have always banned books and controlled women; their America doesn't look like democracy or freedom—it looks like life before Civil Rights, before suffrage, and closer to A Handmaid's Tale. The holy war against unchristian American society is well underway, following the nationalist strategy Christian Patriarchy has laid out every Sunday since the late 1980s. Discuss these fears and what your role should be in fighting against these ideals and their influence in American politics and culture.
3. An early proposed title for A Well-Trained Wife was American Burqa. How does Tia's experiences with patriarchal Christian fundamentalism compare with what you know about fundamentalist Islam? How do you see themes of Gender Apartheid present in America? What about non-religious fundamentalist thinking?

Unless otherwise stated, this discussion guide is reprinted with the permission of St. Martin's Press. Any page references refer to a USA edition of the book, usually the trade paperback version, and may vary in other editions.